There are no accidents.  As much as we would like to believe there are, I have it on good authority that there are none.  That’s right.  That’s what I said.  “None.”  Our children show up on time and in time with the lessons we(the parents) are to learn.  So get off your high horse and get down to business.  Lesson 1: BE IN the moment.  Lesson 2: BE patient.  Lesson 3: BE attentive… and on and on.

Man!  I wish I had this information when my Son was born.  I actually thought ‘winging it’ was what we were supposed to do!  I had the decency of forethought to ‘think’ that if I waited until I was older and more mature I would have all of the wisdom and knowledge I would need to raise a child… and so I waited.  I waited, not knowing that the roots of old heartache and insecurity had not been killed.  I reached a magical age preordained by medical science that said, “It’s time” and I went forth and multiplied.

My friends,  let me have you know that parenthood is a serious 18+ year project.  We’re to pick up the mantle and engage as a Life coach.  We are training our children for greatness and we’re being trained in grace.  After 18 years you’re still a parent but if you’ve done your job, you can have sufficient rest to enjoy a month long vacation and 18+ years of wisdom and relaxation!

Heartache is something to strike against before it can show up in our homes.  When we prepare ourselves and our children for the challenges of life, happiness and joy, we’re fully loving in the moment with it.

To what extent is heartache a part of your home?

I’m speaking of what happened on a one-on-one basis to the parent(you) when they were a child… to the grandparents when they were a child and on and on into history, into infinity…

You see, what’s happening NOW is a direct result of what happened in the past.  We may be reacting to it in a positive or negative way AND the impact of our history is still the profound driving force of our reality.  Let’s look at ourselves and assess where we are on that evolutionary scale and if we are still doing negative knee-jerk reactions to the various situations we have set up with our families, then it’s PAST time to change!

Do you object to making lasting improvements, life changing enhancements, LEAPS in the thrive factor for yourself and your family?  Family life and our individual lives are deeply intertwined.  Once you give birth to a human, you are forever changed at the core of who you think you are.  You have changed at that moment into a divine caretaker, governor and inspirer.  Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to thrive and shine as you have never done before.

Hell is a relative place.  If I were to attempt to run a marathon right now, I would be in ‘hell’ right along 30 minutes from now yet people run marathons(26 miles) every day somewhere in the world!  Parenting is much the same way.  It is a grand glorious endeavor that we take for granted.  The reality is, it’s a freakin’ relationship marathon.  Proper training is an excellent idea so that you and your child(ren) get the most out of the experience otherwise… disaster awaits… some grand, some that wear on the very fiber of your nerves for years on end…

I’m here for you.  Tell me, what questions do you have about getting out of parenting ‘hell’?

How often have we read or heard about the parent that has gone off the deep end?  They’ve drowned their children, done away with child and the spouse or some such crazy act to cope with ‘the big challenge’.  You know what I’m talking about.

The stresses of raising children and trying to maintain a family are crazy making for a lot of people.  The root of a lot of this is in what many of us believe what ‘should’ be happening that is not happening.  We create unrealistic expectations for ourselves, some delusional, some peer pressure, and go off the deep end when stresses build up and things don’t go our way!

I, for one, thought to myself many times, “If I have to say that one more time, I’ll scream!!!”.  Think I did scream a few times… and not in a good way.  I couldn’t continue to hang out there… in that space in my head.  It would only have escalated into more of the same and on to worse!  Reassessment was in order.  I’d lost sight of The Better Vision.

Our many and varied issues in life can impair our vision of what’s truly important.  The consequences of allowing ourselves to be carried away in the sea of stress and unhappiness are that our children will likely drown in it with us.  They will receive and pass on the legacy of a joyless existence, depression and pain.  Was this passed to you?  Is that what you want?  You have the power to change it.

Is your vision impaired?

The answer is ‘Yes’ to ALL of the above.  It’s a big fat YES from The Source Of All.  What’s in this parenting game for you is a YES to your ultimate happiness and life fulfillment.  It’s a YES to why you should bend yourself out of shape.  ‘Why’ is YES to the continuing of your family line and your contribution to the expansion of the human race.  YES, you have enough to do and more to do and even if your child was not here, you’d STILL have enough to do so why not do God’s bidding.

As long as we’re at it, doing the best we can do at parenting improves our lives and all of the lives around us.  There’s a ripple effect… a paying it forward that helps to secure all our futures.  The children are our future.  They will support us there as we support our parents and grandparents now, for some this is quite true to fact but I was not speaking necessarily of finances.  Our greater mission is the expansion of Human Intelligence.  The way that is done is through the birth of humans generation after generation.

Let me help you with this.  We get caught up in the day to day of things and forget to smell the fragrant wafting of fresh cut grass.  If we would take a moment out, we can hear collectively then individually all of the sounds outside, then inside…  How many different bird sounds can your hear outside, what about insects?  Inside, listen to the steady hum of electricity flowing through the house, then isolate the sound of the refrigerator, then the computer… then your heart beat.  Listen and see with your offspring.  Make a game of it.

What’s in parenting for you?

My negative experience was born from having too many expectations about the way it ‘should’ be.  I’d watched too much TV and seen too many commercials depicting the ‘Happy American Family’ and expected my life to fit into those pictures.  My mind LOVED the cliche’ of the little cottage with the white picket fence, green lawns, bucolic landscapes and the loving, lustful, bread-winning husband.

REAL life showed up and said “That’s not what you’ve set up”.  Apparently, more is required than watching television.  Looking at TV and reading romantic novels are not a plan.  I needed to snap out of it and fast!  The well-being of my little Son demanded it!  What began then was the long journey from ignorance to bliss… the journey I endeavor to help you navigate.  I ask you where you are on this path.  If you will allow it, I will meet you there and help you cope and then to thrive.

My two degrees from Cal were no use in this.  This required I dive into areas I had not studied before.  I’ve come out with the 411 on shortcuts for making up for lost time and for maximizing the energy we wake up with each day.  A happy adult Son who tells me what a good job I did raising him is the result.  That is all we are to do.  My insight here is that there are many tired, stressed-out parents who would appreciate my help.  Stress relief and the elimination of aggravation for those who want it are my aim.

Tell me, where are you right now?

Whatever the circumstances and experiences you are going through right now, it is exactly as you have planned, maybe unconsciously, but planned.  I know, I know there are some who are going through some pretty rough experiences right now.  No one wants to think they are responsible for a mess or hardship but we are ‘made’, ‘born’ to ask and receive.  The asking may have been ‘unconscious’.

We ‘create’ ALL the time.  Thinking back over my life, I did a LOT of ‘unconscious creating’.  Fortunately, my Mama put enough spiritual stop-gaps in there that I did not totally self-destruct!  I think back over some of the things I did and I know that by The Grace of God, and on more than one occasion, I was spared death!  That was her doing.  I weep at the beauty of it though at the time my lessons at home were being instilled I didn’t truly appreciate them.  You know that drill….

Where is the place of paradise we want to be as parents?  Is it with obedient and respectful children who do as we ask the first time we ask?  Is it with happy, healthy children who love to do their household chores and homework?  Perhaps, they love sports and endeavor to bring home all ‘A’s as their grades because they find it oh so fulfilling to do so.  They’re thoughtful, considerate and volunteer at the Senior Center because, gosh darn it, it’s just the right thing to do!  They understand The Golden Rule and CAREFULLY live by it because YOU do!  sigh…so beautiful.

That paradise is possible and some even have it but what about you?  What is your paradise?  Please describe in the comments below what yours looks like…your parental paradise.

IF we get some rest over the weekend that feels SORT of like rest by Sunday night, it’s over by Monday morning!  The ‘hard drive’ is the chunk of concrete in our brain that will not let us truly relax.  This constant ‘pressing’ on our soul, mind and spirit is draining and causes us to crash into impatience.

Easy destruction to ourselves is the result: prematurely aging body and nerves, decreased vitality and delayed or unrealized dreams.  We owe it to ourselves to remember that as we strive to have the entire child nurtured and educated, that includes the child within us that did not get their full serving of same.  Our creativity is to blossom right along side of the little human we are raising.  Let’s not neglect ourselves now that we know ‘better’.

GET A HANDLE ON IT and reverse the tide.  Crash into patience and stress relief!  Practice letting go!  I was told once by village elders, in the raising of my Son, to choose my battles.  There is no need to get undone by every little thing or even most things.  Many times it’s not life threatening and you can let it go…RELAXxxx…

Are you taking a hard drive to easy destruction?

The world loves to see us love our parents unconditionally and we do…except for that one little spot, maybe it’s not so little.  Maybe it’s covered over with “understanding’…being a big girl…being a big boy.  Well, we’re adults now and if we were to visit that child inside us, we know that child would say and has said to him or herself or even to the parent when you were a teenager;  “I HATE HER!”,  “I HAVE HIM!”,  “I HATE YOU!”

How many times did I think that about MY Mother?  To many to count and for varied reasons.  I could never say it to her, even as a teenager because I liked having my face where it was.  It suits me.  If I were to dare say something like that to her, chances were good that I’d be picking my face up off the floor.  Point is, we tend to pass this negative energy on to OUR children simply because we don’t know any better.  As Maya Angelou says, “When you know better, you do better.”  My Mama was doing what she knew, what SHE received.  She didn’t know any ‘better’.

I followed suit to a large extent and then as time passed and I learned how to do ‘better’, I did.  Do we really want our grandchildren to be at the effect of the negative or unconscious discipline we received as a child?  Isn’t it time to upgrade?  Do we really think saying it a thousand times and sometimes screaming it is the way to go?  What about corporeal punishment? How corporeal are you?  Are you in a constant spanking/whuppin’ situation? Are YOU out of control because of this deep-seated hidden hatred or have you just given up and let them do whatever?

To what extent have you owned up to this hatred of  YOUR  parents that’s deep-seated?

The balance, the equilibrium is what we’re after. Aggressive abuse sounds and feels like a lot of noise, screaming and ‘in your face’ confrontations. Neglect sounds quiet, ignores what action in discipline needs to be done in any given instance and feels numb.

Balance feels good, gets and gives respect and sounds like the calm whispers of the wind, the soft purr of a jaguar engine or the crack of thunder in a storm. It depends on what is needed in the moment to restore balance. Leaning too far in either direction brings up a not so good feeling. That’s your cue.

Where do you think the line is between irresponsible parenting and child abuse?

Sometimes we reach out for help and we can see or feel that the person we’re talking to is not believing us or caring.  Please do not allow that to stop seeking help.  I buried my feelings again when I got her reaction and it took just that much longer for my recovery.  I’m putting a program together that helps us all with this because according to various experts via Wikipedia:

[Emotional abuse of a child is commonly defined as a pattern of behavior by parents or caregivers that can seriously interfere with a child’s cognitive, emotional, psychological or social development. Some parents may emotionally and psychologically harm their children because of stress, poor parenting skills, social isolation, and lack of available resources or inappropriate expectations of their children. They may emotionally abuse their children because the parents or caregivers were emotionally abused during their own childhood. Straus and Field report that psychological aggression is a pervasive trait of American families: "verbal attacks on children, like physical attacks, are so prevalent as to be just about universal." A 2008 study by English, et al. found that fathers and mothers were equally likely to be verbally aggressive towards their children.

Choi and Mayer performed a study on elder abuse (causing harm or distress to an older person), with results showing that 10.5 of the participants were victims of "emotional/psychological abuse," which was most often perpetrated by a son or other relative of the victim.  Of 1288 cases in 2002–2004, 1201 individuals, 42 couples, and 45 groups were found to have been abused. Of these, 70 percent were female. Psychological abuse (59%) and material/financial (42%) were the most frequently identified types of abuse.]

So you see.  What goes around, comes around.  In our own best interests, what can we do to halt emotional abuse?